Today is the day that my baby cannot even reasonably be called "baby" anymore. Not as a passing tender comment, not as a silly nickname, and certainly not in public. I always said she'll be my baby forever, but I can't exactly let myself hide behind that illusion any longer. Despite the truthfulness in the idea, I'm beginning to feel somewhat silly referring to my very independent and very grown-up-in-her-own-seven-year-old way daughter as "baby."
It may be the looks at the store, or the reaction from her friends; "why are you calling her that?" Or, it may just be a realization that in many respects I have to face the music and deal with the fact that she'll someday grow up.
I confess this idea is challenging to me. She's my family. My only. My all.
Of course I want her to know the joys of one day snuggling her own babes in her arms. Of course I want her to laugh and play and look at the stars (name that quote). Mostly though, I wish I could bottle a guarantee that she'll be my best friend forever.
Blame it on the overdose of adolescence I am surrounded by day after day. Or blame it on my own lack of initiative to find a more age-similar companion. Whatever it stems from, it's my personal challenge.
December 15th marked the day that I was divorced longer than I was married. And now, with the bug age 7, I realize that for 5.5 years of that she has lived away from her father and 4 of those years she's lived with her grandparents (and me, of course!). She is happy despite those details, and brings joy to almost everyone she touches.
Perhaps I overreact, but 7 is halfway to 14. Halfway to insanity, hormones, and boy craziness. Wait. Scratch that last bit, I think we're already there. With every year that passes, I love being a mom that much more. I am a mom that much better. And I appreciate it at mind bogglingly increasing amounts. But this birthday, the one with the week long celebration (school, church, family, friends, etc.) and sugar high, just reminds me that I cannot stop the flow of time. It really is relative, and it's going way too crazy fast.
I want to just wrap my arms around her and not let go. And remember how happy this day has made her for as long as I live. It's a fun thing, this growing up deal. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard.
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3 comments:
I know how you feel! I could have written almost every word you wrote. Especially the part about wanting her to always be your best friend. Growing up is scary, but watching our babies grow up is even scarier!
Hope you are having a good back to school month! How are your teeth doing?
I love reading your thoughts! They so often mirror my own. Last night I took Jessica into my arms (after holding Serene most of the day), and I honestly couldn't believe how big she'd grown. Like you, she has been my baby for over seven years! Somehow Marina growing up doesn't affect me quite the same since she's always been older. But I do dread the day when they don't confide in me. (May that never come!)
Don't! You'll make me cry. Emma is 7 in July. I try not to think about how grown up she is!
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