Midnight Ramblings

Have any of you seen the movie Stardust? I know, it didn't come out yesterday or anything, but I don't often get to the movies as soon as I once did. There was a time, less than a decade ago, where I saw movies on opening night once or twice each weekend. This parenting thing sort of changes that a little, which is ok of course. Even though I miss spontaneity, I wouldn't trade it.

Anyway, the previews made this movie look interesting but I didn't have any clue what to expect at all. I wanted to see it but I was admittedly a little skeptical. Tonight a couple friends went after FHE and "spontaneously" I decided to join them. I don't think I've laughed so hard since Evil Alien Conquerors, a horribly ridiculous B rate comedy that no one but me (or a couple of my quirky friends) would really appreciate. It was fabulous. I mean really, who doesn't need a good deep belly laugh now and again? We probably all get them too infrequently.

There was one part of the movie where the "star" was talking to a mouse. If you've seen it, you get it. If not, get your little kiester out and see it. It's worth it. Anywho, Claire Danes character goes on this monologue about love and pledging all of oneself without expecting anything in return. I almost cried. It seriously spoke words that I feel but never know how to express. That's been happening to me a lot lately. It's a little unnerving actually when other people speak what is so private and undisplayed from the depths of ones soul.

It has me going on a crazy mental journey about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. I guess I've already been on the journey, it's just helping me along a little. A friend told me a couple months ago that he didn't think he was capable of loving anyone. I think that's when this all began. I have this innate fear of attachment- though I yearn for it so badly. It's just like the Paul Simon song Something So Right, which incidentally I only came to know of as that same friend introduced me to it. "I have a wall around me that you can't even see." In the last two days I have been asked 6 times if I have a boyfriend, always by guys that are giving all the signals of preparing to ask me out (woah, trust me, that is not my average...) and every single time I physically shutter at the word. My response, incidentally, gets me off the hook of having to turn them down as I make it obvious through interpersonal communication that the idea of commitment makes me want to hide in the closet - for a month.

You could say this is a response to stress of the last few years, or that I'm being over cautious, or that the right guy just hasn't come along. All I see is that this is a pattern over my whole life.

It's like when my dad didn't understand in high school why I wouldn't commit to do something with one friend in the hopes that something different would come along and when it didn't I'd end up doing nothing at all. He was right, I was weird, and I haven't grown out of it.

I don't really know where to go with all this talk. And I'm pretty sure you're tired of reading it. I figure we've all dealt with longing and loving and lingering emotional something at least once in our lives. Perhaps that is why the movie is such a hit with all my single friends. We all crave that attachment to another person that is unexpected, supernatural, and something we just can't live without. All humanity wants to love and be loved. I suppose that makes me nothing but normal. I'd even bare my soul to a mouse to get it.